iammotherchucker:

queenspark: I was standing at a street corner with my seeing-eye dog, and I heard the Mayor say, “I don’t even know why they give them the dogs. Like, sure, dogs can hear really well, but how’s the dog supposed to tell the guy what he heard? Does he write it down so the guy can read it?” And I said, “Mayor Ford? Is that you? What are you talking about?” And he got real quiet, and then he tripped over my dog. —Submitted by Guy Dysart

(via ladysnarksalot)

I made this for you, Internet.

Dear Mr. Ford,

As a concerned taxpayer, I am thrilled to hear about your proposed closure of the High Park Zoo and Riverdale Farm. For too long, Torontonians have been forced to foot the bill for those freeloading animals.

Let’s start with the llamas. For too long, our city has been plagued with these freeloading immigrants from Latin America. It’s time to tell these cadging camelids to either learn English or GTFO.

Secondly, I don’t trust those Clydesdales. They may seem like gentle giants, but let us not forget that draught horses can be used for so-called “alternative transportation.” If we cater to their demands now, taxpaying motorists like me might have to end up sharing the roads with these reckless bastards, and the addition of Clydesdale lanes to our already crowded city streets may increase my commute by as much as four minutes! Furthermore, I refuse to be held responsible for injuring one of these damn hippie horses. Everyone knows that Clydesdales belong on the sidewalk.

I also think it’s high time this city stopped indulging those damn peacocks and their “lifestyle.” The way they go around parading their gaudy tailfeathers and obnoxiously demanding attention is disgusting. I don’t mind what peacocks do in the privacy of their own habitat, but I don’t want my tax dollars funding the aggressive promotion of their peacock agenda. The way they carry on is disgraceful.

Finally, I think we must address the biggest threat of all: wallabies. Unlike the hard-working kangaroos of the Australian plains, wallabies choose to live in densely wooded areas, and their stubborn refusal to just move out to the plains and live more like kangaroos makes things difficult for everyone. These wallabies aren’t like kangaroos; their social, semi-nocturnal lifestyle and insistence on “protecting their environment” is obnoxious and elitist. Man, I hate those artsy-fartsy, hippy-trippy, wooded area wallabies!

Yours truly,

Emma Marcon